


Sleepless

by henderyluvr



Series: the sun is always there [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Car Accidents, Flashbacks, M/M, Nightmares, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 19:30:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18611029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/henderyluvr/pseuds/henderyluvr
Summary: do you miss someone?





	Sleepless

 

**_DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING_ **

**_YES [✕] NO [   ]_ **

 

_Jaehyun lay awake staring at the fan that spun sluggishly on his ceiling. The sound of the light bulb that was slowly dying out somewhere to the right of the lonesome bedroom._

_Johnny used to tell him to count his heartbeats to help fall asleep, he’d hold him till his breath steadied and the pounding in his head would cease._

 

_—_

 

_“Baby, look at me.” Johnny’s thick voice brought Jaehyun out of his thoughts._

_He laced their hands together and held them to his chest._

_“Listen to my heartbeat, alright? I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”_

_Johnny was Jaehyun’s anchor. His pillar that kept him in touch with reality._

 

_—_

  


**_DO YOU HAVE NIGHTMARES?_ **

**_YES [✕] NO [  ]_ **

  
  


_Jaehyun woke up in a cold sweat, tears streaming down his face as the image of the lifeless figure of his lover burns into his mind. It’s almost been five years since his death, five years since the love of Jaehyun’s life passed away in his arms._

 

_—_

_Johnny laid miserably in the hospital bed, body littered in bruises and scratches. A collision happened on his route to work. A drunk driver demolished the left side of Johnny’s car and left the latter horribly wounded._

_Jaehyun sat at the edge of the bed listening to the heart monitor._

 

_“Jaehyun..” Johnny murmurs, reaching his hand out to the younger._

_Jaehyun grips Johnny’s hand tightly, kissing the back of his palm every now and then._

 

_“I don’t want you to worry about me..” A cough escaped Johnny’s lips, “Please don’t let this keep you from living your life. I’ll be okay, and you will be too. I love you, Jung Jaehyun..”_

 

_The flatline resonated throughout the room and the nurses rushed in. Everything after that was a blurred mess._

_—_

 

**_ARE YOU HEARTBROKEN?_ **

**_YES [✕] NO [  ]_ **

 

_Jaehyun felt empty, void of all emotions. He arrived back at their shared apartment a few days after Johnny passed._

_His items remained untouched. They were ghosts._

 

_Jaehyun reached into the cupboard and pulled out a large bottle of alcohol, what’s a better way to ignore the burning pain in his heart, then to drink it away?_

 —

_Jaehyun yelled and thrashed in his bedroom. He pulled out every item of clothing within his closet and shoved each of his valuables into a cardboard box._

_While he dug around his dresser drawers he found a small film picture that was labeled 1/27/09, the day Johnny and Jaehyun had their first date._

 

_Jaehyun collapsed and hiccups soon started making their way up his throat._

 

_He stayed like that till the early hours of dawn when his childhood friend, Mark Lee, arrived and tended to the older male._

_He lifted him off the ground and ran water for a bath and later set Jaehyun down in his bed._

_Jaehyun’s eyes were swollen, he felt completely raw and vulnerable._

_—_

**_DO YOU FEEL DOWN? DEPRESSED, HOPELESS?_ **

**_YES [✕] NO [  ]_ **

 

_Everyday was a struggle for Jaehyun. He wanted to stay in his bed forever and let sleep take over him._

_If it weren’t for his small group of friends, Jaehyun would stay locked in his bedroom all day._

_Each morning a new knock could be heard on his door and a new individual would walk through the frame._

_Jaehyun appreciated the effort his friends put in to helping him cope healthily._

_The hole in his heart slowly started mending itself with each word of encouragement from his colleagues, but the ache from his loss still stung as fresh as it did the night of the incident._

 

**_DO YOU MISS SOMEONE?_ **

**_YES [✕] NO [  ]_ **

 

_Jaehyun drove around the city in search of all the places he and Johnny had went to._

_The small library tucked into a hidden alleyway, cafes that were much too crowded during rush hour, they all seemed so dull now. So void of the energy and cheerfulness that they once held._

_It seemed to reflect Jaehyun’s emotions exactly._

 

_How could he be positive if his only light was gone?_

_—_

_Jaehyun walked down the narrow row of headstones that are all too familiar now. He recalled each name by memory._

_A small bunch of lilies lay scattered around one headstone, a beautiful bouquet of white roses stood perfectly in front of another, others stay bare._

 

_When Jaehyun reaches Johnny’s headstone he places a small case of flowers to the side of a photo of  the male._

 

_“I miss you everyday, my love. Not a moment goes by that I don’t ache to be in your arms once again. To hear the pure happiness of your laughter, just one last time.” He stifled a shaky breath, tears brimming his eyelids._

 

_Jaehyun kneeled in front of the stone and set down a small ring, Johnny’s and his engagement rings tied to a small ribbon._

 

_“I think it’s time I let you go. Find peace now, my sun and stars.”_

_—_

 

**_DO YOU FIND THAT THINGS YOU ONCE ENJOYED NO LONGER INTEREST YOU?_ **

**_YES [✕] NO [  ]_ **

 

_Jaehyun’s limbs led him to the keyboard that was now collecting dust in the corner of their apartment._

_He ran his hands across the keys, playing chords at random. Looking at the keyboard now felt so foreign to Jaehyun. The long nights he and Johnny used to spend, singing and playing till their neighbors knocked on their door to complain about the noise. He was happier then, but he was slowly getting better now._

 

_He dusted off the piano and set it in a more noticeable area of the living room. He cherished those nights but the sound of the loose chords no longer provided him with such contentment and exhilaration._

_As Jaehyun laid in bed that night he fell asleep to the memory of Johnny’s honey laugh._

 

**_—_ **

_He and Johnny used to take piano lessons together. Sitting side by side for hours on end playing joyful songs that echoed throughout the corridor._

_They liked duets. Chords that fit perfectly with the other to form a beautiful jumble of notes and love. Some nights Jaehyun would sing a song while Johnny played the piano, his long nimble hands flying above the keys. If the mood was set Johnny would join in._

 

_“This next one goes to you, lover boy.” Johnny pointed his long finger at Jaehyun._

_He played a rendition of ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ and Jaehyun was lurched over the back of their sofa laughing with tears in his eyes._

 

_“You’re such an idiot, Johnny.”_

 

_“Yeah but you love me for it anyway.”_

 

_Jaehyun walked over to where the older was sitting, placing a firm wet kiss to his forehead._

_“Yeah. I guess I do.”_

_—_

**_ARE YOU LONELY?_ **

**_YES [  ] NO [ ✕]_ **

 

_The group of boys laughed around the dinner table. Doyoung, a close friend of Jaehyun, retold a story of their childhood. After hours passed few left and others lay sleeping on Jaehyun’s worn out sofa._

 

_“How have you been?” Doyoung asked, walking into the kitchen after everyone, aside from Jaehyun, fell asleep._

 

_The question left Jaehyun in shock. “I’ve been good, today was really fun.”_

 

_“That’s not what I meant.”_

 

_They stared at each other, Doyoung waiting for his desired response._

 

_“It still hurts, but I’m healing. It’s a tough process.” He smiled warmly at the other. His response was honest._

 

_“I’m glad, you looked a lot happier today, I haven’t seen you like that in so long.”_

 

_They walked together back into the living room, Doyoung settled himself on the right side of the sofa, across from a smaller figure who Jaehyun assumed was Donghyuck._

 

_“Goodnight, Jaehyun.”_

 

**_ARE YOU ALWAYS SLEEPLESS?_ **

**_YES [ ✕ ] NO [ ✕]_ **

 

_Some days Jaehyun would lay awake remembering the sweet voice that now provided him with a euphoric sense of peace._

_He was no longer haunted by the nightmares that halted his slumber._

_Jaehyun counted his heartbeat till the thumping steadied and he drifted off to into a deep sleep._

  


_He still visits Johnny’s grave, bringing a new bouquet each time. He started bringing friends with him, the feeling of isolation that he basked in for a numerous amount of years slowly fading away till it was simply background music in his performance of life._

 

_—_

_The two boys laid together in a comfortable silence. Legs tangled and the covers thrown off the side of the bed._

 

_The faint sound of music could be heard from their living room._

 

_“You know, Jaehyun,” Johnny started, “Sometimes I think we’re soulmates.”_

 

_“Hm and what makes you think that?” Jaehyun asked, holding back a snicker._

 

_“Whenever I’m with you I just feel..happy. Like, just seeing you makes my body feel all tingly and I’m just completely breathless by how beautiful you are. My father told me once, god it was so long ago, but he said that when you’re really truly in love you don’t just fall. It’s the sudden sense of Home and comfort in the other person, and that’s how I feel about you.”_

 

_Jaehyun was speechless._

 

_“You’re my home Jaehyun. I want to live in pure serenity with you, forever.”_

_—_

**_You are near, even if I don’t see you. You are with me, even if you are far away. You are in my heart, in my thoughts, in my life, always._ **

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this was an idea i had last night after i listened to sleepless by Epik High. it’s also not proofread so please ignore any mistakes or feel free to tell me about them! this was inspired by the dotae/doyu fic ‘i want you to hear my voice’ by dons


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